Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
