I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Come share oat with me in your robe
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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