She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
