i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
