Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
