They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
