Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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