She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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