sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
