The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
