Your face is a jimmy john
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My vagina just clenched in fear
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
