I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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