if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
