please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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