the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
