worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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