I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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