i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
