How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
