i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
