Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
