so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We got so high we made milksteak
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
