Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
