please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
