I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
