allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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