If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
