I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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