I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
