you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
