legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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