Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
