he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We're too hungover to prance.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
