you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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