I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
