I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
