At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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