I'm so fucking centered right now
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
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I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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