The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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