i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
