There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
