I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sext me about skeletons
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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