Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
why is half of my head shaved?
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