I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
