Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When did angry sex become our thing?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
