North Korea, Best Korea!
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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