whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
