so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
3 2 1 whiskey
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
