I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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