I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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