dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
