omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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