That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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