So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
