I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
