my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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