I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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