just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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