I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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